It's 9am and this morning has already been pretty damn shit so far. I'm sat in the car and have probably spent most of the last hour in tears. We dropped Stanley and Nora with Granny this morning, but he didn't want me to leave. He really didn't want to be there. Before leaving home, he told me he didn't want to go. When we arrive on Granny's drive, he sits in the car not wanting to get out. Then he clings to me. He holds on to me as though his life depends on it, and he doesn't want me to leave. "Just one more cuddle… " he tells me. When we talk about mummy and daddy having to go to work, he tells me "be really quick, mummy". It breaks my heart. He doesn't want to be there, but what can we do? It takes us so long to try and get out of the house at a point where he's relatively settled. We have just had a brilliant weekend, and then the minute it comes to going somewhere else, he loses it. He can't cope. I feel so guilty for leaving him. I feel stuck, and lost, and have no idea what to do for the best. Then, I start to worry about how he is going to be in September when he starts nursery. Leaving him with people that don't understand him is so so difficult, but what else can we do? Why can't they see it? Do we look for a childminder that understands autism? Do we not send him to nursery in September? My worry is that if we shield him from these situations, it is only delaying the inevitable. He has to go to school one day, and how will he cope then, if he is only used to being in small groups? Should I have kept him home today, and not made him go to Granny's? I could have done that today, but I won't be able to when my work changes soon. It's just so so hard to know what's best. More than anything, it's so hard to see him upset and distressed. All I want is for him to be happy, and I'm not succeeding at that right now. So, I should be working today (one of the few days both of them are in childcare!), but I can't face going into the office. Instead, I'll find somewhere quiet to sit and work. Though, I probably won't end up getting much work done. I'll most probably be wondering (and worrying) how Stanley is doing, and what else we can do to help him.

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